the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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