I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
