I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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