I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
