I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
sarcasm needs its own font
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
