Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
