He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
