I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
