R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
