I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
