brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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