Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
