You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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