I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
