Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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