I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
