I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
