He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
