Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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