Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
