He asked to "fluff my boner.."
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
