I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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