I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
i now understand why vodka
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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