the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
