She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
