my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
