My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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