My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
