I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
