90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
