I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
