Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
