I faked an abortion last night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
