oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
