i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
