I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
