Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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