I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
