I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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