I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
