As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My bed smells like the plague
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
