I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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