Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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