he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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