also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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