I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't deserve a penis
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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