11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
