Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
