Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
