literally had 100 drinks last night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
