You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
